Andrew Schwab is a notable author, journalist and lead vocalist for the rock band Project 86. He has written for magazine publications including: Relevant, AP, CCM and HM. He is a published author with 4 available books, including his latest FAME IS INFAMY, available now on the store button above!
“A faithful friend is the medicine of life.” ~ Apocrypha
I had this friend in high school who I spent a good deal of time with named Phil. Phil was a fun dude. We laughed constantly, and I enjoyed being around him because I could always count on this guy to say something that would make me feel good about myself. He was a very positive, upbeat guy that most people seemed to gravitate toward. He became one of my best friends.
During this time I had a girlfriend, and the three of us spent time hanging out on a regular basis. We became a unit. We studied together, got together at one another’s houses, met up to watch movies together. For a brief period we were inseparable.
But after a few months of dating I began to have second thoughts about the relationship with my girlfriend. So naturally, I approached Phil for advice.
Strangely, he was very adament that I break up with her. Out of the blue, he began to spout negative comments about this girl, someone whom he had nothing but praise for previously. I had never heard him speak this way about anyone prior to this, so it was a little unnerving. But because he was someone I trusted, I put a good deal of stock in his advice. And after thinking about it on my own, getting additional advice, and praying about it, I felt like the best conclusion was to end things with the girl. So, I broke up with her.
I stopped spending time with her immediately, focusing more on school and the other things in my life that were important to me. I busied myself for distraction’s sake, but getting past the hurt was hard. Curiously, though, my friend Phil began spending less and less time with me. I began to feel confused and frustrated as to why my best friend was nowhere to be found in my time of greatest need.
Until one day, while I was strolling across campus after class, I stumbled upon a scene that floored me. There was Phil, nuzzled next to my ex in a shady corner of campus! I stopped for a second, staring, rubbing my eyes in disbelief like a cartoon character.
Seriously? Had I just been the victim of a swindle? Yup, I sure had. And I fell for it!
I felt like Lloyd Christmas must have felt when he was robbed by the old lady on the motorized cart in Dumb and Dumber. I felt like the detectives must have felt at the end of Usual Suspects.
Phil was not Verbal Kint. He was Kaiser Soze! The devil in the flesh!!
And I didn’t even see it coming! (in Jim Carrey Voice)
No, I didn’t knock Phil out (but I probably should have). And I didn’t torch my ex-girlfriends house (though I contemplated it). I just walked home, scratching my head, wishing I had known better…
Have you ever been betrayed by someone who claimed to be your best friend? I would be surprised if there is anyone who reads this who hasn’t. And I would say that there aren’t many things in this world that most of us loathe more than a fake friend. Why? Because there is something about being double-crossed that makes us feel violated in the core of our beings.
Yet, for as much as we hate being betrayed, it is a very common thing. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it is one guaranteed part of being alive; at some point, each of us is going to be sold out by the person we least expect. And most times, will not see it coming, even though it may have been obvious to everyone else around us.
So why are we fooled?
Because sometimes we see what we want to see in other people, rather than looking on them with objective eyes. Because we all long to find someone whom we can share ourselves with. But in our search for comrades, often times we trust those who don’t deserve to be trusted in the hopes that we have found someone special. Then we are shocked when we are wounded by them.
But is it possible to know how to discern your true friends from the false ones before something bad happens? Is it possible to save ourselves the deep wounds and heartaches that come from unsuspected betrayal?
Yes!
Check out these verses as a starting point. These are some of my favorite in the Bible:
An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. Pvb. 24:26
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Prv. 27:6
Let us not love with word tongue, but with action and truth. 1 John 3:18
And from these verses, along with plenty of experience, I have developed a test to discern who your real friends truly are. I call it Cutting to the Heart of Unseen Motives, or CHUM test. Here it is:
1. Compare the person’s actions vs. their words. If someone says they care about you, but their actions are always saying they don’t, then go with their actions as the true indicator of someone’s feelings toward you. This includes people who say they are going to hang out or call, but usually flake. They bail because it’s not a priority to them.
2. Does the person in question always tell you what you want to hear? If they are always pleasing, chances are they are not always honest with you. Beware of passive people who avoid conflict. When the chips are down, they will run for the hills! A good rule of thumb: if someone has the courage to risk your defenses in order to tell you something that you need (but don’t want to) hear, they are probably someone who you can trust.
3. What is your gut telling you? Does the person make you feel anxious, or at ease? Trustworthy people are almost always obviously so. If you are confused about a person’s intentions or debating their loyalty, the fact that you have to question this at all is usually an answer in and of itself. Follow your instincts!
4. Is the person there for you when you need them? When the waters get rough do they stick around? No matter the excuse, there is no excuse. You have to be there if you say you care.
5. Party friends are usually fake friends. I don’t know why this is…probably because drinking, hooking up, the bar scene and other related, shady activities often involve some sort of breach of character. But I can’t tell you how many times this has been illustrated to me: If you are connected to someone through the bar/party scene, they will usually show that they are not someone to invest in outside of that context. There are exceptions, but they are rare.
6. Know the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. The former is someone who is fun to hang out with, but not worth telling your secrets to. The latter is someone who you can confide in about your vices, worst mistakes, and fears. The former is someone to meet up for coffee and discuss the latest Gorillaz release with or an Independent film. The latter is someone you ask to be your best man. In my experience, most people end up being acquaintances. True friends are rare. Don’t try to force square pegs into round holes.
7. Does the person share your secrets when you ask them not to? Then they aren’t your real friend.
8. Your special lady/guy friend is still a friend first and foremost! Just because your vision becomes muddled with the strong emotions of attraction, does not mean this test does not apply to them. Are you making exceptions for the person just because you have feelings for them? They should pass the CHUM test as well if they truly are a keeper.
9. True friends will always at least try to see your point of view, even if they don’t agree. They may not always agree with you, but they will listen. If you find that the person in question always steamrolls your feelings and opinions, then that is a red flag. Confront them on it. If they respond by listening then that shows good character. But if they try to turn it around on you and do not listen, then perhaps its time to reevaluate the nature of your association.
10. When all else fails, and you want to find out where you stand with someone, place a huge piece of spinach in your teeth upon greeting said person. If they point out the spinach, then they are most likely trustworthy. But if they don’t, then they will probably tell someone else about it and have a laugh at your expense! I kid, but you would be surprised how little details paint the picture of a person’s character. The small things that people do can tell you a lot about where they are coming from.
Finally, God gave us each discernment. Usually, if there is someone in our lives who is using us or does not have our best interests in mind, it will become apparent as long as we keep our eyes are open. And if you feel like you have extended trust to someone who does not deserve it, then put the brakes on! It’s better to err on the side of caution in relationships. If the person in question is genuine they will understand.
People show you who they really are if just pay attention. And when someone shows you their true character, believe them!
The Bible says this: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Again, be careful with your associations. They will define you. And if you are not careful, they can burn you. Choose wisely who you confide in and who you trust. Know that there are countless numbers of people out there who are out for their own interests, but those with dependable character are difficult to find.
Do you have questions about a current relationship? Have you been burned? Do you have something to add to this discussion? Post your comments below.
In Part 2 We will discuss how to recover from the wounds of betrayal.
